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What If Conservatives Argued Like Liberals?

Thanks to our leftist media and culture, the zeitgeist is that you're either liberal/leftist or you're a retrograde freak who hates minorities, gays and women.  So, it got me thinking what it would be like if we lived in a bizarro world where conservative views are the norm and liberals are the underdogs who, in spite having completely rational and cogent views, are constantly subjected to name calling, brow beating and a biased, agenda pushing media.

In other words, if conservatives argued like liberals, it would look something like this:

If you support gun control, you're racist.

Blacks make up 13% of the population, yet are responsible for 75% of the crime, much of it towards their own people.  But you know what's an even bigger cause for concern?  The cops that try to police that crime.  If Michael Brown is any indication, blacks aren't armed enough.  Can you imagine the victory cry if Brown was the one who came out alive on that fateful evening?  Sure, the guns owned by black and Latino gang members are for the most part unregistered, but, if just one more registered one had been sold to our folk hero, Michael Brown, we would have one less dead black man and one more dead, power abusing cop.  Thanks a lot racist gun control!

If you believe in wealth redistribution and, as a result, want to vote for Bernie Sanders, you're racist.

So, you hate the 1%, huh?  People that make a lot of money get under your craw?  You do realize that a lot of that 1% are Jewish, and that Asians dominate high paying Silicon valley tech jobs, right?  Okay fine, you anti-semite and hater of Asians!  You clearly feel that Jews own too much and have too much power and that Asians have IQs that are way too high and it's therefore unfair that they get high paying computer programming and engineering jobs.  OH, and what about highly successful black people, such as Dr. Dre who is worth more than $500,000,000?  You must hate it when black people succeed and escape their ghetto upbringing and therefore prefer to punish them for it by taxing them.  You feel they owe you so much, you racist prick.

If you don't believe in God, you're racist. 

Judaism, Christianity and Islam all came from the Middle East, while Sikhism and Buddhism came from East Asia.  If you're an atheist, you're rejecting and, in many cases, judging the cultures and beliefs of people who are from these areas.  Also, Jesus was a Jew, so there is one Jew who you hold in contempt.  In addition to that, many blacks hold strong religious convictions, whether it be Christian  or Muslim (sometimes even Jewish!), so you're also rejecting the views of blacks within your own country!  Don't you feel ashamed for being so racist?  Granted, if you're a liberal atheist, you somehow having a hard-on and a crush on Islam in spite it being the least liberal religion and with the strongest group of adherents who would gladly kill you for being an infidel, but, that's besides the point.  Consistency isn't important and you're trying to prove you're NOT racist here.

If you're a feminist, you're racist.

You think women are oppressed, and you want to smash the patriarchy?  You want to fight back against the testosterone driven, violent nature of men?  Well then you clearly hate blacks, Hispanics and Arabs, for those are the three most masculine and patriarchal ethnic groups.  Whenever a woman complains that she's being "catcalled", is it usually by a polo-shirt wearing, blonde haired, blue eyed Caucasian male that yells, "daaaamn, nice ass!"?  Well, granted, Gabe and I do tend to hoot and holler at the legs in the skirts at University of Michigan's campus, but I'd wager we're the exception.  Also, for the most part, Arab men (especially Muslims, but it doesn't exclude Christian Arabs as well), tend to stick to normative gender rolls and reject progressive views; they make no bones about calling loose women "sluts."  The same can pretty much be said about blacks and Hispanics, who also tend to not think very highly of homosexuals either.  So, ergo, if you are a feminist or a gay rights supporter, you are predominantly fighting against black, Hispanic and Arab cultures and are thus racist.

If you support the gay community, you're racist.

Guess which group of people hate gays more than any other?  Think really hard! It's the one that has no problem stringing them up on ropes or throwing them off of roofs.  I get it; you want gays to have the same rights as straight people, so you're willing to walk into a bakery owned by a Christian family, claim "emotional" damages when they refuse to make your gay cake and then collect a hefty sum from them.  But, would you force a Muslim baker to do the same thing and put him out of business?  Because you know damn well the Muslim baker wouldn't make your cake (though he would like to put you in his cake).  Well, if you're willing to bankrupt a Christian business, are you ready to accept the mantel of "racist" when you do the same thing to a Muslim one?

If you support Planned Parenthood or abortion in general, you're racist.

Actually, this one isn't too far from the truth.  Quotes such as "The most urgent problem today is how to limit and discourage the over-fertility of the mentally and physically defective" and "The undeniably feebleminded should indeed, not only be discouraged but prevented from propagating their kind" are directly attributable to Margaret Sanger.  Now, realistically, in theory I believe similar sentiments since we do need less stupid peopleBut, a while ago, when a friend of mine wore a jokey t-shirt that reads "abortion is racist" is it really so much of a joke if it was started on the premise of limiting the propagation of black people or the "feebleminded" as Sanger put it?  I actually wonder if progressive liberals really do think of it as a good way to keep the black population down so they won't be bothered by homeless people begging for change outside the abortion clinic.

If you support illegal immigration and don't want to curtail chain immigration, you're racist.

Seems strange, huh?  How can it be racist to NOT let illegal immigrants and relatives of legal and semi legal immigrants into the country.  Well, if you knew the peril they put themselves through at the hands of drug gangs, in addition to the hellish and poor life they'll live in the States when some wealthy, corporate wage slave pays them under the table while they live in filthy, crime infested, all Spanish speaking barrios, you'd think twice about okaying their entry.  But, if putting these people through hell is what you want, then keep the gates wide open.

If you support the EPA and further attempts to curb carbon emissions, you're racist.  

You do realize that China and India are two of the biggest polluters in the world, and that the United States has the cleanest air in the world, right?  Well, how would you like it if you had no choice but to emit green house gases in the air, while people walk around in masks and some so called "advanced" Western country rubbed their clean air and "high standard living" in your face?  Not to mention laughed at your choice of feline delicacy.  You're clearly trying to say, "ha, ha, you dirty Chinks, we're better than you!"  And now you want to regulate carbon emissions EVEN MORE?!  Way to rub it in their faces, assholes!  Actually, while I began this post as a satire of how the left calls everything racist, I can draw a reasonable conclusion that there is some "West is the best" attitude on the part of left considering they know damn well that underdeveloped nations will NEVER go through a proper industrial revolution without burning fossil fuels since the alternative is too costly.  Therefore, it actually IS a somewhat racist, or, at very least, a pro-West stance to force underdeveloped countries to comply with our emission standards.

If you think any of the above arguments are stupider than the ones put forth by the tards at Salon.com or AddicitngInfo.com,  you also probably feel that pedophilia is a perfectly acceptable life choice and are therefore not racist against Muslims.